literature

Superimpose

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Daily Deviation

Daily Deviation

August 12, 2012
Superimpose by =SilverInkblot The suggester writes, "A short nonfiction essay that not only delights with terrific detail, but grows to show glimpses of the thoughts and ways the writer sees life. This is a truly wonderful read."
Featured by thorns
Suggested by xlntwtch
SilverInkblot's avatar
Published:
11.5K Views

Literature Text

He doesn't look like a gymnast. He's all button down shirts and frazzled grey hair framing wire spectacles, a picture perfect professorial archetype down to the very tips of his frayed shoelaces. But he was a gymnast once, or so he tells us, and I believe him because he smiles like he knows something while he's chatting before class.

It's strange to see that image superimposed over the current one – the distinguished professor in pressed khaki slacks and a jacket, worn brown loafers exuding a faintly courteous manner (you can always tell them by their shoes), and a ring on the fourth finger of his left hand – versus the athletic kid who went to college for a semester and grew nine inches too tall to keep doing what he loved so he took up a tennis racquet instead. Gymnasts don't wear suit jackets; no steel mill worker has such manicured nails. But the images are all there, flickering just under the surface and bubbling up again when he's recounting stories about his days in Pittsburgh and his lawyer father and the time he nearly died of overheating after locking his seven year old self in his father's car.

He has quick handwriting, scripted and elegant, but just obscure enough that you have to put a little effort into deciphering it. It's writing that matches his hands. And even though the well-kept fingernails were the first thing I noticed, I didn't miss the way he explains with his gestures, talks with his hands, turns pages like they're made of glass. Slides his glasses over his eyes without taking them off when he bends closer to read and pushes them back on the bridge of his nose whenever they slip again.

He's telling us about broken bones and trampolines, about balance and control, and maybe he's a little wistful when he's talking about his growth spurt and losing his sense of self, his equilibrium, at nineteen, but I could be imagining it. He says being a gymnast is all about throwing yourself out there and not caring what happens; another time he says leaving home and moving some eight hundred miles away was the best decision he ever made and I think some habits don't fade (or I'm drawing parallels where there are none to be found). Once he told us about the heat burning in the steel mills and for some reason that image never resonated as strongly; maybe because that was just a job and being a gymnast wasn't. He's teaching me about teaching and I'm learning about learning, and perhaps a thing or two about depth perception in the fourth dimension.

I've learned that I never really knew what "sharp-eyed" meant until a few weeks into class, that there is a difference between educating and teaching, and that personal effort is directly proportional to how much the other side of the equation cares. And that's probably a poor attitude to have, but it's just so hard to care some days when you're running on the last quarter tank of gas and a meal from two days ago. But it's easy to care when he gets the joke with the apple and thanks you for the cake.

And maybe it makes more sense than I realize and maybe it's all about the chalk on his hands, chalk boundary lines on the tennis courts, chalk writing on the blackboard; about hitting each corner of the spring floor and every quadrant of the classroom. Rounding off errors and rounding off to handsprings.

Or maybe I'm just getting used to that disorienting double vision, the same one I get every time I start thinking about the future, only now I'm looking back and peeling away layers that aren't mine to expose.

But I always did have a weakness for good stories.

He doesn't look like a gymnast. Then again, he doesn't look like anything but an English professor.
Non-fiction. Flash Fic Month, Day 17

For a fantastic professor that made college worthwhile again :D

#theWrittenRevolution Critique: [link]

Questions:

- Do the sections flow into each other, or are they segmented?

- Do you feel like you know this person after reading? Perhaps a better question would be "Does this character sketch feel like a real person?" or "Is this person exist-able?" The point is, I'm concerned with what impressions I left on my first real foray into writing non-fiction.

- There isn't a plot; do you care? Would you read stories about this person/ a character based on this person?

[EDIT]

Well. This was a surprise :B Huge thanks to *xlntwtch and ^thorns! You should all go tell them how awesome they are =P

I'm ridiculously happy that this piece was my second DD - it's one of the most personal things I've ever written, and I'm very proud of it. This is just the icing :heart:

I'm sad to say that after this coming semester, this professor won't be teaching much anymore; he's soon to be the new Associate Dean (and I'm kinda flattered that I was one of the first people to know :XD:). He's been absolutely wonderful to me this summer, helping me out with my writing projects and letting me sit in on his Drama class, and I'm thankful to have known him while he was a professor.

Read aloud here: [link]
© 2012 - 2024 SilverInkblot
Comments140
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Solarune's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I love this! If you'll excuse my comparing your writing to food, sometimes I feel like you run across a piece of literature that is just exploding with flavours and details so you want to read it over and over to properly appreciate it. This is one of those pieces. Each line is lovely in itself, but they come together to form a whole. The language is kind of conjuring language – it does these elegant twists and makes you think that you know what you're seeing until the last minute, when it does a strange sort of cartwheel and shows you something else entirely.

Some of it feels a bit over-stretched – as if you're seeing the magic in slow motion and you can see every nuance of movement all the time, which bogs it down a little bit. Not so much that there are too many descriptions as that some of them could be said more succinctly. (Will cover this more in a bit.) I prefer succinctness in descriptions, though, so my perception's probably affected by that.

I don't think it's a problem that there's no plot to speak of – I agree partly with *xlntwtch, although there may not be a plot in the traditional sense you do see parts of his story, and yours. It's just told less linearly. In fact, although this is in prose format, I'd see this more like a poem in feel – a snapshot, or series of snapshots, as opposed to a traditional story.

He definitely comes across as real. He seems like he could walk straight off the page. That he is real gives the piece an authenticity that's pretty hard to replicate in fiction, but also I think you've chosen the right pieces to show and the right way to show them. I think the best part of that is the contrast between the gymnast/English professor, and that that's subtly reinforced, not pushed in your face, and everything else you explore ties into that but also reveals more of his character. (And yes, I'd read more about him or a character based off him – characters make stories IMHO, and I love to read about interesting people.)

I'm really bad at critiquing on overall impressions, but I think in concept and structure and overall feel this is pretty flawless. There are just a few parts that struck me as clunky, so on to the details!...

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "[...] down to the very tips of his frayed shoelaces." Could cut very – it doesn't seem necessary, although it adds a nice whimsy. Possibly I noticed it b/c of the slight wordiness preceding it ("picture perfect professorial archetype" and "frazzled grey hair framing wire spectacles"). I like all of those, just seems quite a lot. So very subjective, and not necessarily bad, because it has a nice slow start, it just struck me as slightly boggy.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "It's strange to see that image superimposed over the current one – the distinguished professor in pressed khaki slacks and a jacket, worn brown loafers exuding a faintly courteous manner (you can always tell them by their shoes), and a ring on the fourth finger of his left hand – versus the athletic kid who went to college for a semester and grew nine inches too tall to keep doing what he loved so he took up a tennis racquet instead."
Image superimposed over the current one feels like padding – you could write that whole sentence as a more direct comparison, like "it's strange to see the distinguished professor superimposed over the athletic kid who went to college" etc.... possibly putting the details about the professor afterwards? ("now he's etc. etc.") or even keep the current structure and just write "strange to see that image superimposed over this" or "over the distinguished professor etc. etc.". They all have their pitfalls, but the current structure feels a bit awkward. Possibly it's the part about the shoes – I really like the detail but it seems like the wrong place to put it, because it's part of a set of details that go on for so long you almost forget what the comparison was about. Or just shorten it – you don't have to say the worn brown loafers exude a faintly courteous manner, you could just say they were faintly courteous. The "you can always tell them by their shoes" part feels like it belongs somewhere else, too – not necessarily cut, but IMHO it's getting in the way of the comparison. (Then again... it might be a good idea to obfuscate the comparison slightly so that it doesn't appear too obvious because it's already been touched on, but I think you'd be able to let it show without being awkward or over-obvious.)

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "He has quick handwriting, scripted and elegant, but just obscure enough that you have to put a little effort into deciphering it. It's writing that matches his hands. And even though the well-kept fingernails were the first thing I noticed, I didn't miss the way he explains with his gestures, talks with his hands, turns pages like they're made of glass. Slides his glasses over his eyes without taking them off when he bends closer to read and pushes them back on the bridge of his nose whenever they slip again."
Love this. I think it's the first part that brings him truly alive, because that's what you notice about people – the they do things, the way they talk, their little mannerisms. You could condense the writing/hands part perhaps, it feels a bit repetitive. Perhaps "it matches his hands" instead of "it's writing that matches his hands"? And "explains with his gestures/talks with his hands" seem so similar that they could be merged, particularly because you've already said hands earlier in the paragraph.
Love the detail about glasses!
And actually, although I like the first two paragraphs as a beginning, I feel like this is where the piece really hooks you in and comes alive... so I wouldn't necessarily say to cut the first two paragraphs, but maybe condense them a bit or mix this stuff in? The first part is all about appearances and history, which is a logical place to start... but a touch of immediacy closer to the start might help to balance it out and hook the reader in.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "He's telling us about broken bones and trampolines, about balance and control [...] He's teaching me about teaching and I'm learning about learning, and perhaps a thing or two about depth perception in the fourth dimension." Oh gosh, this whole paragraph is wonderful. This is where I see the conjuring-elegance-wordplay that I talked about earlier. Lovely. Says so much about how one defines oneself (maybe because that was just a job and being a gymnast wasn't) and I love the shift from throwing yourself out there and not caring what happens to moving away from home.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "I've learned that I never really knew what "sharp-eyed" meant until a few weeks into class, that there is a difference between educating and teaching, and that personal effort is directly proportional to how much the other side of the equation cares." <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/> I think this is my favourite paragraph. Beautiful. The only thing that jolts me slightly is the repetition of "hard to care/easy to care". I don't know why, it should feel like a nice refrain, but for some reason it doesn't work for me, possibly because it's quite formulaic and all the writing before that is free and sweeping.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "And maybe it makes more sense than I realize and maybe it's all about the chalk on his hands, chalk boundary lines on the tennis courts, chalk writing on the blackboard[...]" Brilliant shift from the chalk on his hands to the tennis courts and the blackboard. You could possibly do without the blackboard, it kind of feels implied anyway by the chalk on his hands (that he's been writing with?) and the writing chalk/tennis chalk comparison is so brilliant that it feels a little strange to have a third type in there, like it's just been thrown in for the sake of it.
Possibly too many maybes in the beginning of the paragraph? Quite a nice repetition, though.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> "peeling away layers that aren't mine to expose" – this is really nice and sort of rounds off the whole piece, it sums up the teacher-student relationship beautifully.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="15" height="15" alt=":pencil:" title="Pencil"/> I think you could safely cut the last line and just end it on "but I always did have a weakness for good stories". It brings it back nicely to the beginning, yes, but I feel like the gymnast/professor thing has been already said and emphasised, and it feels a bit redundant to repeat it there – plus, the line before it is a really powerful one. Just my opinion, though. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/x/x…" width="15" height="15" alt=":XD:" title="XD"/>

So, anyway: this is beautiful and honest and a wonderful expression at its core, and I've basically just made suggestions for polishing it. But you'll have your own way of polishing it, I know (if it even needs it).

And congratulations on the DD! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/g/g…" width="47" height="20" alt=":glomp:" title="Glomp!"/>