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All The Poets Come To Life by flummo

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March 22, 2013
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I stopped using his full title
because it started sounding too formal,
and it’s hard to be standoffish with someone
who swaps albums and memories so generously,
who loves German chocolate but hates the smell of oranges,
who knows me by my boneless,
drowsy form on the couch and by my words.

And maybe one day he’ll ask
me to drop the title altogether and call him Brad,
but I won’t.
Because it sounds too much like dad,
and I’m afraid of slipping up.
I've known this for a while. Ever since he told me he loved German chocolate.

Probably a work in progress, because I haven't said everything I want to say yet. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say all the things I want to say, or at least say them in the right way. How do you tell someone that they've been fulfilling a need for approval that you never even knew was there?

Relevant blogspam rant thing.

#Glory-Be-Project Day 81


#theWrittenRevolution critique

Questions

- I wanted to make my intent clear, but without being too blatant about it. How did I do?
- I skimped on imagery for this poem. Was that a mistake, or do the details provided do a better job of painting the picture?
- Do you have a favorite line or section? Why or why not?
- I would like to expand this some more, so tell me: what would you like to hear more about?
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:iconkathryn-walt:
Kathryn-Walt Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
Oh, wow. This was a surprisingly intense read for me.

I would answer some of your questions, but I feel like I can't. Maybe it's the hallmark of a good piece, or only of an incomplete reader, but I feel possessed by this poem. There is someone like this in my life to whom I will never say exactly these things, so I am so glad you wrote them down for me.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It was intense writing :lol:

Thank you :heart: If you need to, feel free to modify this poem for that person in your life; it's easier to let them read something than to say it IMO. People like this deserve to know how appreciated they are :)
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:iconkathryn-walt:
Kathryn-Walt Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
Thank you! I'm not sure I'd be able to/feel comfortable doing that with the person I have in mind, but I really appreciate the offer. You're right; these sorts of people do deserve to know how important they are. :) 
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:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014
i wonder why the speaker is scared of slipping up? maybe that could be explored, if you sillt want to expand this. and explore the speaker's relationship with her father more, perhaps?
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Haven't you ever called a teacher Mom? :XD:

I prefer to keep my family out of my work for the most part. I don't know why; it just doesn't feel right to write about people I'm related to for some reason :shrug: Like I'm invading their privacy somehow. I don't mind writing about Doc because he's a writer too and understands this sort of thing I guess.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student Writer
Hi there! I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to your piece, but here at last is the critique you requested! [link]

First off, I love the feeling beneath your words... it's subtle, but it's there and it makes your words all the more powerful! The images you're communicating came off really well, too - I especially love those lines, "...who knows me by my boneless,/ drowsy form on the couch and by my words." It's vivid, but it's funny, too:D

Just a couple of format notes: there are a couple of lines that I think could be tweaked a little bit to make them flow better. The last line of stanza one could be broken into two lines:
drowsy form on the couch
and by my words.

If you divide it up like that, I think it adds significance to that last phrase "and by my words," especially since you're a writer. Also, the first line of the second stanza seems a little awkward if you have the "me" in the second line... Try adding that word on to the end of the first line instead and see if that flows better:
And maybe one day he'll ask me
to drop the title altogether and call him Brad,

Other than that, though, your grammar and word choice look good:)

If your intent was to say that you're so close with this man "Brad" that you consider him like a father to you, then yes, I'd say you were successful in communicating that:aww: As far as imagery goes, I think the descriptions are enough (at least for what you have right now - that might change if you add more to it). If it was more flowery and filled with similes and such, I think it would obscure the emotion behind it and the simple nature of what you're trying to communicate. The concept is enough, in this case. Other than the two lines I already quoted, I love the last stanza - it feels especially potent with your feeling and intent behind it, and I like that extra bit of intensity at the end of such a short poem! Hmm, what to add... I like it the way it is now, as far as the concept and intent goes, so if you added content, I think you'd add it between the two stanzas you already have. Maybe more about you? I mean, you've told us about him and his quirks, but what does his influence on you look like?

All in all, I really liked this. It's simple, but packed with a lot of underlying feeling, and it seems to tremble with how much is going unsaid about this relationship. That tension makes for an interesting read:D
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I completely forgot about that actually :XD:

I like your line break suggestion - I may do just that. I'll mull it over for a while.

This is one of those that I've come to like more over time; at first I felt like it needed something else, but was probably about where it needed to be from the start. As you, and several others, have stated, adding too much extra would dilute or obscure the emotional content. Much as I love imagery, I don't think I want to swap one for the other :) Thank you for all your thoughts!
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:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student Writer
Oops, sorry:ashamed:

You're very welcome! I'm glad I'm (unknowingly) in agreement with your other commenters=P I know what you mean about liking a deviation more and more over time...that was my experience with my poem "Balloons and Fairy Wings" haha:aww: I'm glad I could help! Thanks for the llama:)
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