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September 27, 2012
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Hazel cider eyes
like a pumpkin light
glance out the empty window.
No crunching footsteps chart the driveway;
no cast away candy wrappers decorate the weeds.
The table is set with ginger snaps
and cinnamon rolls sticky with glaze.

Melancholy
is two caramel apples,
a mug of spiced tea,
and no one to share with.
The candy apple red stains on her wrists
fade and return, dependent on the ratio
of bitter to sweet. She nearly
trips over the cat in her distraction.

Her lips are frosted with dark chocolate.
She re-lights the candle on her porch,
snuffed out by the wind.
Distant laughter from bedsheet ghosts
and cardboard wing angels pass
by the wrought iron gates creaky with disuse.
She tastes ash and too-ripe
pumpkin in her dry mouth.

Waxy scarecrow fingers pinch
the candles out one by one –
nobody is ringing her doorbell tonight.
Even the cat takes his leave,
slinking by before the door closes
and bounding into the night, slipping
through the iron bars chained together
with a heavy padlock.
:iconsilverinkblot:
Take two. (Original.)

I asked my professor friend for a bit of advice. He pointed out a few things I hadn't noticed such as the number theme I had going with the original (I'll let you find the pattern in this one :P) and gave me a less cliched direction to take this in. Still not quite where I want it to be though, so I'll probably revise it at least one more before submitting it to the competition.

I do like it more now, but I don't think the loneliness theme is quite pronounced enough - it's there, but you kinda have to look for it, and I don't think the significance of the gates really comes through. But he wants to see my second draft, so there is that :XD:
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:iconthecoldwavecatatonic:
This is pulchritudinous.

:rose:
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:iconsilverinkblot:
=SilverInkblot Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Whoa, big word :XD:

Thank you! :D
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:icondna-the-authoress:
I definitely like this one better than the first. I felt the gates were important, but I didn't (and still don't) really know why. And I can see the loneliness theme, but it wasn't the first thing I noticed while reading.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
=SilverInkblot Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The plot I'm trying to convey (in this incarnation) is that a lonely woman sets up this wonderful Halloween treat and no one comes - because she forgot to unlock the gates. I keep getting too wordy in the process of trying to tell the story though.
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:icondna-the-authoress:
Oh! Okay. Hmm... I shall have to reread it now.
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