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I don’t know why I assumed
it would be a boy. Intuition,
maybe. Or perhaps, little
brothers were all I knew.
My third sibling paused
in the first trimester
and never hit play: a frozen
picture on the ultrasound.
Mom came home, stole
to bed, and shut the door
with a clack soft as thunder.
My third sibling is a silence,
forgotten outside the quiet
moments alone, when I wonder
what his name was.
My mom lost a baby when I was a teenager.

TWR Critique

Questions:

1. Does it end too abruptly?
2. Too short?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2017-01-14
The Third Sibling by SilverInkblot is a poem that speaks for itself. ( Suggested by LiliWrites and Featured by doughboycafe )
:iconcristinewakesuphappy:
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
it's short which makes it more than enough to convey such powerful impact on this piece.
:iconcongratsdd1plz::iconcongratsdd2plz::iconcongratsdd3plz:
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:icony2jinstien:
Y2Jinstien Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
No, I don't think it ended too abruptly. I thought that you did a great job conveying all that information with such little words. That is also a very powerful topic you chose, and the wordplay you use gives it all the more of that punch. I do think you could've spaced the lines a little bit more, and used complete sentences for each stanza instead of stopping the stanza mid sentence, but that's just me. Other than that, I though it was a great poem. Keep up the good work.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not a fan of end-stopping too often - I prefer my lines broken in such a way to keep the reader moving forward :)
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:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2017   Writer
First, congratulations! My answers to your critique questions are coming from a more personal place than I'd usually use, but the answer is "no," to both.  The loss of a baby, or a sibling, is an abrupt thing. For me, it adds to the poem that you don't attempt to draw it out. It is, and this is it. I adore it.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the response :)
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:iconsquanpie:
squanpie Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

‘Paused […] and never hit play’ – that’s perfect, right there.

I don’t find the poem abrupt. Short, perhaps, but all that needed to be said is there. It’s not deeply emotional, but it is emotive – a story many can relate to, told with the odd distance and slightly confused sensitivity of a child who could never fully understand.

 

Tiny thing, but personally I’d put an extra ‘as’ in the ‘clack soft as thunder’ line. Either works technically, I just found myself putting one in there naturally when reading. I love the feel in that line though – it brings back that childhood sense of something being wrong. Of creeping round the house torn between wanting to do something to help but not sure what and scared of doing something wrong instead to bring down a parent’s wrath!

 

It would have been the second sibling for me, and I too assumed it would be a boy. I don’t remember often, and I sometimes wonder if my brother, three years younger, even knew about the number three who was not to be.

Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I was old enough to understand at the time, but the distance was still there for me - partly because it was an unrealized potential sort of thing (I couldn't miss someone I never knew), but I also just didn't know what to say.

I can see that. I try to remove unneeded words when I can, but might should have kept that one.

It actually would have been my second sibling - I only have one sibling, but second just didn't sound as right as third.
Reply
:iconmeubanks:
meubanks Featured By Owner Edited Jan 17, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I'm a few days late to the party, but congrats on the DD.

To answer your critique questions, I don't think this ends abruptly. To me poetry ends most effectively when  it either surprises the reader, or forces them to look at the preceding poem in a new way. I think this poem does that, and in an impact way.

I don't have any arbitrary ideas about the length of a  poem. If it accomplished the writers purpose, and they don't feel like anything is missing, it's done. This feels complete to me.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconethanw60:
ethanw60 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2017  New Deviant Student General Artist
You have to decide on the punctuation. IF you choose to use it, I suggest keeping periods and what not to the end of sentences, because it helps the flow. I like how this ties up actually, it is a good thoughtful way of saying that the event had to be suppressed, and is not brought up, except in your own head.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
The periods are at the end of the sentences; I think you meant to suggest that I keep punctuation to the end of the line, which I find inhibits the flow of a poem if not placed deliberately. Punctuation equates a pause, and keeping all you pauses at the end screws up the rhythm.
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:iconethanw60:
ethanw60 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  New Deviant Student General Artist
And I did say periods and what not. Meaning punctuation.
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:iconethanw60:
ethanw60 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  New Deviant Student General Artist
Maybe it's just easier but your use of commas make your work here choppy.
Reply
:icononewiththestars:
OneWithTheStars Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
My mother lost "the third sibling," which I was too young to know about at the time.  I'm pretty sure it would have been another brother for me, too.  I think the poem's length and flow captures the feeling of something so emotionally devastating as this.  Excellent job at capturing this emotion.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
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:iconhaegun:
Haegun Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2017
As we found out having lost more than one, 1 out of 3 women has had at least one miscarriage in her lifetime.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
:(
Reply
:iconyelenaavigail:
yelenaavigail Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aw, this is beautifully sad
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconmrcrozier:
mrcrozier Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017
1. No, not at all. I love how much impact the abruptness has.

2. No, less is more.

:)
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the response :)
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:iconphilowenaster:
PhilowenAster Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017
That is really sad. There are seven of us on earth, and nine more waiting in heaven. We remember them each year at Christmas with a candle for all of them. 
I don't remember all their names, but I know Mom does. 
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
My grandmother once told me she was one of nine; only half made it out of infancy. I barely even know much of the family that lived.
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:iconacidutos:
Acidutos Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
This is heart-wrecking 😢😢😢😢
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
In this context, I'll take that as a compliment :aww:
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:iconcreativelyaddled:
CreativelyAddled Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
This is a lovely, heart wrenching piece.

As for your questions,

1) I think this piece ended perfect place.

2) No, I don't think so.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconblue-anima:
Blue-Anima Featured By Owner Edited Jan 14, 2017   General Artist
Meditative, tender, wrenching, and so sensitive 

1. no. I like the abruptness: it feels like finality. It feels, in a small way, like the refuted expectation when a loved one takes a breath and you realize the next one is not going to come--if that makes sense. It feels appropriate for death, basically. 

2. doesn't bother me -- impact is more important than length 
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :love:
Reply
:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
wow - this is a very personal and emotional piece; you were able to convey those emotions very well. Also, to answer your questions, I think the "shortness" or the "abruptness" conveys the loss of the baby; I think it is fitting to the experience that is written. So rather than taking away from your poem, I feel that it adds something to it. Congrats on the DD.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:icondubioustemp:
DubiousTemp Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017
Firstly I'm sorry to hear about what happened. My cousin had a miscarriage some years ago and I can tell it hurt  her even though people tried not to bring it up to me (as I was really young then).

But like others have said, the ending is abrupt, but it suits the subject of what you're writing about.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I was old enough to understand, but not old enough to do much more than that.
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:iconperpetualpetrichor:
PerpetualPetrichor Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Really love this piece, and the abruptness is suiting!
I relate to it well because I also have a brother who passed shortly after birth.
I was too young to remember but I know it took a heavy toll on my mom and our family.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
My brother had one that only lasted two months :(
Reply
:iconperpetualpetrichor:
PerpetualPetrichor Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ohh, my condolences then!!
I wish your brother and family the best of luck in the future(and you too of course)!
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconcastilight:
Castilight Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
The ending did seems a little abrupt to me but, shortness isn't always a bad thing. I mean, look at Haikus. Three lines and 19 syllables in all! I think a little more of a beat would help bring it to life. Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconpamonk:
PaMonk Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Professional Artist
This is Pretty and just So Beautiful.❤❤❤ And DD this Happy Very Awesome.❤
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconpamonk:
PaMonk Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Professional Artist
:hug: 
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
:aww:
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:iconleviadraconia:
LeviaDraconia Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Professional General Artist
:deviantart: Congrats on the DD! :heart: :clap: :deviantart:
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on your DD, my dear. :heart: 
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the suggestion!
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Professional Writer
First off, condolences to you and your family, even if it's an old wound. I can't imagine what that put your mother through.

As for the questions, I think my answer is the same to both of them: yes, too abrupt and yes too short, but I actually like that. Because of the subject of the poem, the baby's life was so short and ended so abruptly that I feel like the brevity works in the poem's favor on account of that. I read it through twice and on the second reading I thought it mirrored the narrative, so I would personally keep this as it is.

Also, someone else said this, but I have to say that the video imagery is very good. I wasn't expecting it, but it fits perfectly.
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I actually didn't think of how the abruptness of the poem mirrored the subject. Nice eye :D

Thank you for your thoughts :heart:
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December 16, 2016
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