Sta.sh
Your clockwork appendages
were cold to the touch.
The industrial complex of your mind
was grating gear against gear
where the unoiled works
kept clacking away; your atrium
was a tick-tocking machine
that counted the hours while the rust settled in.
The mainspring spiraled round
your mechanical heart tensed
so tightly it showed in your face,
in your quivering hands,
your troubled eyes.
The unlubricated escapement never
released, oxidized into place
from ages of neglect.
Your lonely footsteps echoed
under orange gaslamps submitting
to the glare of red lanterns.
Used parts are yours for the taking;
here, a hairspring; there, slender
legs under shredded petticoats.
The joints of your fingers corroded
with arthritis and green rust,
curled around curls
of Caryatids uncalibrated
to your pendulum swing.
Your flinted eyes filed flaws away,
groomed for the fluxing process.
Oscillating gears locked into place
before your backlash recoil
forced the dual mechanism apart
with shallow breaths emerging
from beneath the beck iron,
until dawn glances from the window
and your mainspring rewinds itself,
annealed,
awaiting the next night uncoiled.
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A couple suggestions:
This piece is prose-like in the clear and concise grammar and sentence structure it has. So, these lines
"The mainspring spiraled round
your mechanical heart tensed
so tightly it showed in your face,"
really felt off. I believe, if I read the phrasing right, it would help to have a comma after round.
Also, and this is a personal opinion so I understand entirely if you don't want to include it, I think the piece would benefit from a small break in the mechanics to talk about the person on a human level. I think continuing the metaphor is great, but if for a second you managed to halt the flow and add a sense of vulnerability to the person you are describing, it would enhance the lasting impact of the poem.
I think it works excellently for a Technical Romance series, wonderful job utilizing this terminology so well!
I don't want a sense of vulnerability to the watchmaker - he's intentionally unlikeable, or is supposed to be. That's why he reduces people to spare parts for his use
"The mainspring spiraled round
your mechanical heart, tensed
so tightly it showed in your face,"
Alright! I certainly understand why you would want to keep it that way, it's wonderful as is.