Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
but you can have the glazed heat bursting from the blacktop like a broken
fire hydrant. You can have the jangle of keys
swinging from your hip with each stride.
You can have the tactility of leather and the graze of
bathroom mosaic tiles under a cold shower pelting
bullets and when the water cuts off
you can have dry book pages. You can have happiness,
though it will often be bitter, like finding a stranger’s
wallet full of pictures of smiling children until you
return it to find that the couple is barren.
You can have the scratches on the back of his knuckles,
faded, yet raw. You can have the translucency of sheets
in the sun, silhouettes but no details,
never revealing anything more than a fringe of hair
and frayed laces tripping over themselves.
You can drop obscenities like bombs until
they don’t mean anything anymore. You can pull out the Monopoly board
that broke your family. You can’t put it back together,
but you can pretend the thimble is your mother and the
car is your father and you own all the houses. And you can be thankful
for ink under your fingers, stamped letters wasted, thankful
for baldness because the chemo worked, for empty plastic bags
cluttered in your kitchen, for sleepy glances,
for doorknobs, for fingernails. You can have the hope chest,
the chest full of wedding mementos, the dress, the picture of you in it.
You can have the hat full of rabbit bones,
until the nightmare ends, you can have cerebral feats, the stitching
of skin, and furniture as broken as your heart.
You can’t expect him to notice you
but here is the rouge to teach you how to blush,
how to be coy, not shy,
until you don’t need it anymore, until you’re good enough,
and you believe it, know it, walk without heels
and feel tall anyway. And when romance fails you,
you still have the imprint of his hand on your cheek
when the red is gone, the distance of stars,
and the thunder that never came.
There is the fireplace that you can light at any time, if you’ve only a match,
and it will crackle, you can’t have it all,
but there is this.
An imitation of this poem by Barbara Ras for a poetry assignment. 40 lines, 15 sentences, 1 stanza. It's not due for two weeks and I'm already done with it. I am so ahead of the game this year. I feel like such an adult. Notice the running title. I don't use those :la: I think they feel weird.

[EDIT] Well. I feel like I should talk about this piece more now, but I don't have anything to say - I just followed and imitated the original as closely as I could. I'm always surprised by a DD, but this one really did come out of nowhere. I mean, didn't I just get one on Escape Velocity :lol: Careful yall, I'm going to end up with a habit. Shoutout to vespera and inknalcohol for the feature! Thank you!

TWR - comments.deviantart.com/1/5151…

1. Too much imagery? Too fast?
2. Favorite line?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-09-24
You can't have it all by `SilverInkblot ( Suggested by vespera and Featured by inknalcohol )
:icondeisophia:
DeiSophia Featured By Owner Edited Jan 3, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:

The observation of human behavior in this piece is erudite and compassionate. Whilst lacking in metaphor and stronger figures of speech, the gentle easing of the imagery through simile assists one with following the fast pace and is compensated by the vivid descriptions and rich symbolism that appears throughout. 
such as in the following lines:
"You can have happiness,
though it will often be bitter, like finding a stranger’s
wallet full of pictures of smiling children until you
return it to find that the couple is barren."
or
"furniture as broken as your heart."

In fact the descriptions are so opulent, they result in sensory overload, from the combination and variety of senses evoked:
The tactile: "cold shower pelting bullets", "imprint of his hand on your cheek when the red is gone"
The auditory: " jangle of keys", "if you’ve only a match, and it will crackle"
The Visual: " translucency of sheets in the sun", "ink under your fingers"
Gustatory: "You can have happiness, though it will often be bitter"
The only one missing is the olfactory.

And then the extensive exploration of human experience:
from sympathy: the bitterness of the encounter with the stranger
Illness: baldness from cancer
youth: frayed laces
rebellion: drop obscenities like bombs
awkwardness: tripping over oneself
to romance, abuse, disappointment...
it is all here in the words.
and the speed of the pace enhanced by euphony and a strongly established meter, emphasizes the rapidity of life, and as it reaches its finale, descending into almost an anti-climax, time 'burnt' away, the revelation of "this" as the smallest but greatest thing is revealed with all the force of a revelation in only four words.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I'm afraid I can't take too much credit as this was an imitation piece - for the most part, I tried to match the line lengths as best I could and use as many strong nouns and verbs as possible, and generally trying to hit what the original author hit. I didn't think too much and wrote the whole thing in about thirty minutes :B

I mean, I really do like the poem and all, and I really love some of my images, but I feel like people give me too much credit for something I wrote so effortlessly.
Reply
:icondeisophia:
DeiSophia Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I did think hard about this issue of imitation by the way (there's something 'snowflake' special about driving along on a hot day and then your thoughts turn to literature when you're supposed to be focusing on traffic...)

So my perhaps slightly delusional thoughts went something along the line of:
If one imitates another poem consciously how much of the artistic act is the original authors and how much of the artistry belongs to the imitator? Prevailing thought would say, well of course it lies with the original artist, but that's not entirely true...
But because we live in the age of TL:DR (A.D.) I'll cut to the conclusion...
Whilst the structure belongs to the original artist, the imagery is still yours. The greater part of poetry is the imagery (same as for visual art). You're not copying (or plagiarising) you're interpreting, imitating although those acts are derivative they're still acts of artistry, because you're building on something established. In a way it's collaborative. We usually think of collaboration as being between two people working together at the same time but that's not always true. Collaboration can occur at different times as well. It's not consensual collaboration (the original author didn't agree to work with you after all, but they did agree to let you read and 'feel' their poem by publishing it) so it is.. hmm.. interpretative collaboration?

If that makes sense, because it's only half thoughts, that haven't really come to a conclusion.

And my criticism still stands that you managed to include such a diverse array of human emotions/experiences.
JUST TAKE THE COMPLIMENTS OKAY! =P (Razz) 

P.S. I was also thinking what a lovely exercise this is for learning to write. It would go really well in a workshop!
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, don't worry; I took the compliments :lol:

Imitation is a fantastic learning exercise. This one in particular would be great for learning how to write imagery.
Reply
:iconchika365:
chika365 Featured By Owner May 25, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
This was lovely! In response to your review questions:

1. It was fast, and took effort to follow, but it was worth it. Bit of an emotional overload. Like the imagery though. If I had time I feel like I would go over this line by line, and just eat it all up.
2. My favorite line was:

'when the red is gone, the distance of stars,
and the thunder that never came.
There is the fireplace that you can light at any time, if you've only a match,
and it will crackle, you can't have it all,
but there is this.'

Okay, so not a line, like, a whole section, but that's my favourite ^^
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner May 25, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
That pace is part of the fun :D Like taking a dozen punches one after the other :XD:
Reply
:iconjallarial:
Jallarial Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
"You can pull out the Monopoly board
that broke your family. You can’t put it back together,
but you can pretend the thimble is your mother and the
car is your father and you own all the houses."

^This part made me tear up a little.

I'm not exactly clear about what "having it all" means with reference to this poem, but I like how you've matched seemingly random things into a cohesive picture.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It's my favorite line too :D

It was an imitation poem, so I just went with it :XD:
Reply
:icontime-signature:
Time-Signature Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student General Artist
It makes me want to cry and smile at the same time.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'll take that as a compliment :)
Reply
:icontime-signature:
Time-Signature Featured By Owner May 1, 2014  Student General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can honestly say that I enjoyed your poem more than the one it is modeled after. :) Congratulations on your DD! 
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! At least two other people have told me the same thing, so I did something right :XD:
Reply
:icongrimmassassin:
GrimmAssassin Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm wasn't sure whether to sob or smile at the end of this, and I ended up doing both :3

It reminds me of dark chocolate - bitter, yet full of flavor.
Reply
:icongrimmassassin:
GrimmAssassin Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*throws cookies* :D
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The piece we were trying to imitate was like that - full of both happy and sad images, high things and common things. So this is a great compliment; I got to the heart of what the assignment was about :D
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Student Writer
This is stunning, really. Congratulations on the DD. :heart:
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i really love the metaphors in this; they're beautifully unique! 
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconhaikumato:
Haikumato Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Immediately when I saw this I just had to read it out loud. And wow did it feel awesome and epic to do so. I really liked this, amazing job from you! :meow: :)
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :D I'm planning to record it myself later whenever I get around to installing some audio software on my new laptop :)
Reply
:iconhaikumato:
Haikumato Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Great! I'm sure it's going to sound awesome. :D
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013
Gorgeous.  Congrats on the DD, you deserved it.  :)
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :la:
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013
Welcome!  :iconfattestlaplz:
Reply
:iconxxflamefrost101xx:
XxFlameFrost101xX Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow! This had to be one of the most emotive prices I have read. It's lyrical and beautiful. A well earned DD. :)
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I'm very happy with it :D
Reply
:iconladymuffinart:
LadyMuffinArt Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Student General Artist
...I almost cried....
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconsweetsandcharades:
SweetsAndCharades Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013
Congrats on the DD! :D
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :la:
Reply
:iconcristinewakesuphappy:
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
congratulations! :trophy:
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013   General Artist
Congratulations on the DD! This is wonderful, I realised after finishing that I'd had my mouth open the entire time I was reading.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :D Glad you liked it that much!
Reply
:icondagoth-jeff:
dagoth-jeff Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Did you catch any flies
Reply
:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013   General Artist
Wasps. I'm on my way to the hospital.
Reply
:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013
:rofl:
Reply
:icondagoth-jeff:
dagoth-jeff Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ouch, better drink a slushie on your way there, keep that swelling down...
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    My pleasure :happybounce:
Reply
:iconkyanitearcher:
KyaniteArcher Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Grats on the DD! Loved this poem- it really, genuinely tells a story.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :D
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013   Writer
:clap: Congratulations on the DD! I really like this piece, it reads like prosetry to me and tells a story that is often life for many. Thanks.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you - the original was a very prosetry sort of piece, so I was happy to try my hand at imitating it.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013   Writer
You're very welcome. Interesting that the original was "a very prosetry sort of piece." You nailed it.
Reply
:iconmina12310:
mina12310 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Student General Artist
Great one :) 
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconsilverinkblot: More from SilverInkblot


Featured in Collections

Poetry by anapests-and-ink

stories poetry writings by Asvoria1

Words by smallsincerities


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
September 4, 2013
File Size
2.3 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,917
Favourites
153 (who?)
Comments
68
×